Self Critique

If you are anything like me, you view video footage of your performances with equal parts of glee and dread.

My own view path is - obsess about how fat I may look, obsess about how moves I thought were fabulous look like nothing and obsess about how I made such and such mistake at this or that point.

I'm more inclined to be obsessing about mistakes in choreography with my troupe. Because I'm more inclined to be making errors there.  I don't learn choreography easily. It takes me a very very long time, which must have been a tedious pain for my past teachers, and my students! Sorry guys.  This is quite frustrating because I even do this during my own choreography's. My deduction, that I made the mistakes because the choreography's of my teachers didn't flow in a way that made sense to me is nullified by my oopses in my own!   I've realised that if I run through a choreography without doing all the moves properly - this fumble through is what I present - not the real dance as it was intended.

For an Improv performance I find that I fall into patterns - hip drops anyone? What's interesting about this is that I don't think of hip drops as being my favourite move. They are so well installed in my muscle memory they are now the go-to move...where I go-to too often.
I will see that I'm not executing some movements as clearly as Id like, pops and locks look like gentle slides and lack oomph, or travel steps and turns lack the energy I was trying to convey.
I might see that I've developed same bad habits, I had no idea that my arms had sunk to waist level. since this is a pet peeve of mine, best I sort that out! Elbows up!
And posture - whats going on with my posture?  And of course there are moments of WTF was THAT? 

I may be being overtly critical of myself.  I may not be. these things I'm picking out are important aspects of how Id like to represent my dance.  I ask myself - is what you were trying to convey being seen.  Is the cheeky mood you hear in your music visible to the audience? Or are they so underwhelmed by sagging posture and half done moves that that goes right over their heads? Wheeee!

How I looked - Make sure my costume looks and feels great from all angles so I don't get a surprise malfunction on the night or in the dvd. Remember that film adds on 5kgs, for future reference....
Lacklustre moves - practice - every time I drill it must be with a consistent intensity, so that the isolation's are clear and clean every time I perform them.
Choreography Mistakes - practice,  being confident in the choreography will mean I'm less nervous and if I'm calmer I wont fluff up.  Focus, being right there in the performance instead of in the head of the nearest audience member who's face shows they don't get what you're doing or the really excited lady stage left who's whistles and howls of enjoyment are trying to distract me from what comes next in the dance.
Stretching beyond the go-to - practice again, if I need more variation I need more moves that come to me naturally in the heightened adrenalin heavy performance state.
WTF Moments - I suspect that there will always be some of these in my Improv. :)

I realise that I'm beginning to sound repetitive - practice practice practice and more practice.

Aside from the technical aspects of looking at what I need to work on in my dance. I find it quite emotionally draining. I look at my work and think - you know nothing! And with that comes intense feelings of  sadness and disappointment. Ive found the quote below to be of some comfort:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others"
— Martha Graham